MY MOST COMMON SCRIPT NOTES Part 2
More of the notes on scripts that I seem to give most frequently. These are all direct quotes from script reports I have written in the last few months –
TONE
Establishing tone is so important – it defines the story values of the script – what is possible, what is not possible in this story world. Because you fail to do this, I can’t get a handle on how your story operates – the narrative parameters.
Tone is so closely linked to story. If the tone isn’t clearly and confidently defined, it makes it hard to know how to respond to the story, to understand what is possible and what’s not possible in the story.
DIALOGUE
I don’t get as strong a sense as I’d like of the characters from the way they speak. There is a uniformity to much of the style and tone of the dialogue – each character needs to come off the page more vividly and individually from the way they speak.
The characters need to come off the page more vividly through how they speak and what they say. At the moment too much of the dialogue feels too obviously expositional.
A note I often give about dialogue – try to make the dialogue as distinctive to character as possible. Each character needs to come off the page through the way they speak (whether that’s about accent, rhythm, verbal tics, how verbose or taciturn they are, the attitude with which they speak, etc). We all speak in our own unique way – characters need to come alive and feel distinct through the way they speak (and the things they say).
STORY / STRUCTURE
The first ten pages are all-important in grabbing audience attention. While this opening ten pages vividly establishes the story world, it lacks a strong narrative imperative.
The opening ten pages of the script are wide-ranging – lots of interesting colour – but it’s hard to discern exactly what the central narrative is.
For the reader, the first ten pages is the hardest section to read, where everything is brand new, where we are trying to find our place in your story. Make it clear, hit the ground running, pose the reader clear, interesting, easy-to-grasp, dramatic questions. And be clear about what questions you want your reader to be asking of your story.
Another aspect of this – unless you have a very good story reason for not doing so, open on your lead character. Whoever you open on, the automatic reader assumption is that this is your lead character. If it isn’t, it may take us time you can’t afford (ie the reader may stop reading) to mentally re-adjust.
What is the central narrative question that you want the audience to be asking of this episode? What is the story hook?
These two questions are important considerations in the opening ten pages but in your script as a whole. You want to keep us turning the pages – what is the hook that is going to make us do this?
I think there are too many threads / ideas / characters. There is no clear central narrative spine.
Again, linked to the above. Sub-plots linked to the central plot are good – but giving us several strands of roughly equal weight which seem to be fighting each other for our attention can feel confusing and unsatisfactory.
I think you could tell the story with more intensity – push both the drama and comedy to greater extremes. If you deepen the character problems, throw more seemingly insurmountable problems at them, it will be easier for the audience to engage with their stories.
Many of my notes seem quite crude (!) – raise the stakes, heighten everything, make the story more dramatic, don’t hold back, be less subtle!
In the way you tell the story, I think you over-rely on long, two-handed dialogue scenes. You need to break up the rhythm of how you tell the story – with more shorter dialogue scenes, more action / visual scenes; and scenes with either one single character or more than two – so that the dynamic of scenes feels more varied.
Two-handed, static dialogue scenes are the most common scenes. How do you make these scenes different and surprising? How do you give them life?
MARKETABILITY
As a period show set in the US written by a UK writer (?), that would be extremely expensive to produce, I’d say the commercial potential of this series is limited.
Recently I have read a few US-set scripts by UK writers. In general, I’d advise you to write for the market you’re trying to break into.
CHARACTER (STORY)
Too often, it’s not clear what she’s feeling about the things that happen to her – she seems strangely emotionally disconnected from the story she’s a part of… All of these events will only have meaning for the audience if we understand what they mean for F.
This phenomenon of characters seeming to be somewhat emotionally removed from the highly dramatic events that are happening to them is strangely common. My response to this is – if the characters doesn’t seem to be emotionally engaged by the events happening to them, then it will be very hard for the audience to feel emotionally engaged by them and their story.
CAPTIONS / TITLE CARDS
I don’t think you need any of the title cards – it’s not important for the audience to know what day it is.
I say this A LOT. On-screen captions should be used sparingly. Too often they feel like an unnecessary expositional tool.
PRESENTATION
You should write screenplays using screenwriting software; and submit the script in PDF format.
This is a minimum requirement. Final Draft is the industry standard – but there are perfectly acceptable free or cheaper alternatives.
There is too much description of furniture – the characters need to be the main focus of the storytelling in the directions.
Yes – focus first and foremost on character and character action. Having to wade through extensive description of furniture before we get to character can feel deadening.
COMEDY
At times, I think you strive too hard for comedy in the dialogue – rather than focusing on the comedy of the situation.
The note I most often give on comedy scripts.
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The next newsletter will be on Friday July 10th
Best wishes and Happy Writing,
Phil
PHILIP SHELLEY
Twitter: @Philip Shelley1
Friday June 26th 2026